Cabin Fever: diagnosis and prognosis
By Bruce Watson
Published on January 25, 2008
For generations now, the Merck Manual has been giving sick people the lowdown on disease. From tumors and cysts to disorders of the glands, intestines, and other fun parts of the body, Merck is the final word on illness. So this time of year, it should come as no surprise that Merck has added a new malady to its manual.Cabin Fever:
Cabin Fever is an acute disease that strikes those who have been inside their homes for what seems like seven years due to a) more snow than will fall this year on Buffalo; b) icy snowy sleety freezy liquid gunk spewing from the sky every other day for seven weeks; or c) a general tendency to, as one victim's wife noted, "just sit on his big fat rear each winter ever since I've known him."
Symptoms
Cabin Fever can produce three sets of symptoms. The first are behavioral disorders. These include throwing small objects at young children, climbing vertical walls, and gazing out at falling snow, saying "Ft. Lauderdale" over and over.
The second set of symptoms is cognitive. Cabin fever victims can suffer delusions ranging from thinking Jessica Simpson is talented to believing winter will never ever ever end. In severe cases, Cabin Fever sufferers may even doubt global warming is a reality or may start rooting for it.
The third set of symptoms is physical. These include gaining weight, a skin pallor that whitens until the victim is the color of skim milk, gaining more weight, inability to see or imagine the color green, and gaining (WHOA - CHECK OUT THE PORKER!) waaaaay more weight.
Complications
Complications to Cabin Fever set in when the sufferer is unable to step outside for more than 10 weeks. Complications can take several forms. The Cabin Fever sufferer may find himself stuck to the sofa. He may sit for hours watching reruns of "Seinfeld," "Happy Days," or even "My Favorite Martian." He might get out old photo albums and rearrange them. He might stick his head in the fire.
Diagnosis
Doctors may at first have difficulty distinguishing Cabin Fever from Couch Potato Disease or everyday TV addiction. The best test for Cabin Fever is to sneak up behind the patient while holding the New York Times Travel section. Timing is essential. When the patient least expects it, come around his left shoulder holding a photo of palm trees on a white sand beach. Then shout: "5 Days, 4 Nights only $1599!" If the patient either a) whips out his credit card or b) burst into tears, he/she is surely suffering from cabin fever.
Prevention
Wise up! Live somewhere where it doesn't snow 30 times a winter, where the January sky is occasionally blue, where kids go to school more than four days a week in winter, where weather cannot be clinically diagnosed as insane.
Prognosis and Treatment
Prognosis for Cabin Fever sufferers varies widely. Some can shake off the symptoms within a week by simply stepping outside, getting in their cars, and driving 1,000 miles due south. Others are able to ward off symptoms by booking memberships in health clubs where they ride stationary bicycles at breakneck speeds alongside other sweaty sufferers with skin the color of skim milk. Some try sun lamps and other artificial lighting but these usually just give the Cabin Fever sufferer better reading light.
Severe sufferers require more drastic treatments. These include the sudden, unexplainable death and must-attend funeral of a distant aunt in Scottsdale, Arizona; a spur-of-the-moment business conference in Key West; or succumbing to the chronic urge to buy two tickets to the Virgin Islands and never come back.
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